My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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