seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
