if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Pants are for mortals
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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