Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
