i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
