I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize