insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
