Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize