we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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