census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
