I think my fart just growled at me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I miss vodka workout Fridays
then he tried to convert me to islam
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
