You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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