I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
