I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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