I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
