So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize