dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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