I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
