went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
