Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize