I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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