I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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