I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
