You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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