weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize