Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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