i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
