Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
