we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
