Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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