non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
