Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
