Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
