please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
