New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
