There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
