A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The power of my boobs compel you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
