there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
