Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
