You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
