Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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