Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
