At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
