just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
