You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
