My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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