thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
