It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My breasts were aching with rage.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
