I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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