I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
