you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
