You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
barbara walters just said penis...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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