pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
