i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
