i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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