The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
