i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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