Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize