Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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