I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
