two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
