ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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