dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
