dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
