"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
