Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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