I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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