Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
