Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
