Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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