Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
