Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize